Just What is Perfectionism?
One day last week I was having lunch with an old friend I hadn’t seen for a while. As we were catching up, I was describing a new group course I’m launching called, Relaxed High Performance: Moving Beyond Perfectionism.
As we talked, it became clear to me that we had completely different definitions of just what defines a perfectionist.
My friend, who recently retired from a long and distinguished career as an architect, described himself as a perfectionist.
This is a man whose career was consistently carried out with the highest possible standards. In other words, he made sure all the design and construction details were perfect. That, after all, is an architect’s job.
But high standards and attention to detail don’t make a perfectionist.
Because perfectionism is not about creating a perfect outcome; it’s always about chasing after a feeling that seems to be missing
That feeling may be a sense of control, worthiness, or safety, but there’s a desperation attached to perfectionism that doesn’t appear in the behavior of someone who just has high professional standards, like my architect friend.
The quality of my work has improved immeasurably since presence became my preparation.
In other words, work of a higher quality, with less effort. Not a bad trade, is it?
Perfectionists are convinced their safety and well-being depend on one thing.
A perfectionist is someone who is absolutely sure that if they don’t get something just right, there will be consequences that put them at risk. That’s where the desperation comes in. Perfectionists are convinced their safety and well-being depend on “getting it absolutely right.” That explains both why they spend so much of their lives on “high alert,” and why they’re exhausted so much of the time.
By attaching life and death stakes to “getting right” whatever activity they’re engaged in, perfectionists make room for only
one possible outcome, the one they believe will give them some relief from the feeling that they’re missing some essential quality. But whatever relief the practice of perfectionism gives can only be momentary.
The truth is, it’s not possible to be missing essential qualities, even if your feelings tell you that something’s missing. The nature of an essential quality is this: it can’t be lost, removed, or missing because it’s your essence. Take away your essence, and there’s no “you” left.
So in the end, it comes down to this: if you’re serious and diligent about the way you engage with the tasks in your life, you’re probably not a perfectionist. If you experience a feeling of desperation about the need to “get it right,” or “make it perfect,” It’s very likely you are a perfectionist.
Perfectionism is a habit.
The important thing to realize is that perfectionism is a habit, rising out of conditioned thinking, and that’s all it is. It is not “just the way you are.” Perfectionists aren’t born that way; they become perfectionists because of a misunderstanding about their true nature. And when that misunderstanding is cleared up, the desperation that drives perfectionism dies along with it.
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