Made New By Forgiveness
The value of forgiveness and who benefits from it are almost always misunderstood and underappreciated. I suspect this is because when we forgive, or even think about forgiveness, we focus on the act we feel warrants forgiveness. If we’re the one who feels we’ve been badly or wrongly treated, coming to terms with the transgression can seem like a big job.
That focus veils some of the real benefits of forgiveness. If we struggle to forgive, it means resistance is playing a part in our struggle. Remember, resistance is being of two minds about something at the same time. We’re trying to say, “yes,” and “no” simultaneously, and the result is a muddle. We don’t realize the part of us that’s saying “no,” is saying no to life itself.
Forgiveness, real forgiveness, of the kind that offers us, and the transgressor release and relief, involves surrender. As long as resistance is in play, there is no surrender.
Among the things that have to be surrendered, is resentment, which not surprisingly, is related to resistance. Both imply a holding on to the past.
Surrender is a complete giving up, giving in, and letting go. In other words, we’re no longer holding on to our thinking about what’s transpired. But, without that giving in and giving up, there’s no release and no relief. This can make our lives seem stale and worn.
The real benefit of forgiveness is that it can re-make our relationships and our lives. It can make them feel new again. And having been made new, we have the luxury of starting fresh.
A fresh start is what forgiveness feels like because a fresh start is what it gives us. Resentment, resistance, feeling victimized, holding grudges, or any bad feeling toward anyone, including yourself; all of these feelings are like carrying 100 pounds of dead weight with you all the time. In time, you might not notice how much extra work you’ve been doing, but carrying dead weight carries a toll. It’s physically and emotionally exhausting.
To say it another way, carrying bad feelings around with you all the time steals your energy, focus, and enthusiasm for life. This is where that stale, worn feeling comes from.
It might make sense to hold on to past transgressions and resentments if we had a way to return to the past for a re-do of events. Since that’s not available to us, and will likely never be, what possible sense does it make to hang onto bad feelings?
Here’s one more point about forgiveness, and it’s one that’s often overlooked. It doesn’t make any difference if the person who’s being asked for forgiveness grants it or doesn’t grant it, because, having asked for forgiveness, the person asking gets a fresh start, regardless of what the other person does.
If you’ve asked for forgiveness in a sincere way that acknowledges the hurt you may have inflicted, you’ve done all you can. Now it’s entirely in the other person’s court.
Forgiveness offers all parties involved a fresh start. For anyone willing to reflect on it, a fresh start is a much nicer proposition than carrying 100 pounds of dead weight.
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