In a conversation with a client about resistance the other day, it became clear to me that they had some confusion about the difference between acceptance and surrender. Though it’s common to confuse one with the other, they’re not really the same.
Acceptance still carries the residue of resistance. In other words, acceptance is only a step toward surrender. It’s a useful step, but when we believe we’ve accepted something, we may not be free of the emotional charge it holds for us. In order to have the release we’re looking for, in order to be free, we have to go a bit farther.
Resistance is essentially an unconscious attempt to have it both ways; to be free of the issue, and, at the same time, to hold on to parts of it. That’s what resistance is: saying both “yes, and “no” at the same time. When we’re in a state of resistance, it’s impossible to move on in our lives. By holding on to some part of the difficult issue, we freeze ourselves in place.
The difference between acceptance and surrender can be compared to the difference between giving up, and giving in. When you give up, it’s as though you’re saying, “I’m done with this, I quit.” It’s walking away in a flustered state before the game is over, with no resolution possible.
Giving in, or surrendering, is what happens when you see the game through to the end, when it becomes clear you can’t win, given the rules or terms you’ve chosen.
That’s where the release lies, in understanding the terms you’re working under can’t possibly work to your advantage. When this becomes clear to humans, resistance evaporates because it no longer has anything to feed on.
This letting go is surrender. There’s nothing left to resist. This is giving in as though to say, “I’m not going to fight with reality anymore (at least on this issue”). There is a clarity that accompanies surrender that acceptance never delivers.
This may explain why you may hear, or say phrases like, “I’m working to accept that” or “I’ve accepted that, but it still feels like an issue for me.” That’s the residue of resistance speaking. With surrender, you don’t try to surrender, or work on surrendering, you just let go.
A question that may help get you to the step of surrendering is, What am I resisting? This step isn’t always necessary. Sometimes, the resistance can be plain as day, but other times, it hides, and resistance is very good at hiding. Often, hiding will take the form of logic and reason. In other words, it can be easy to justify your resistance on the grounds that it makes sense.
But if it’s holding you back, just how much sense can it make?
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