Like most of us, I have a few relationships that seem to be more difficult than they need to be. One is with a brother who hasn’t spoken to me for twenty-six years. Over the years, I’ve made several attempts to get things to a better place between us, but I never heard back from him. It’s even strange to say we have a relationship. At this point, the only active relationship I have with him exists as a thought in the form of a memory, which is to say, a thought carried through time. The same is true for him. The only active relationship he has with me is based entirely in thought and memory.
Though I don’t usually dream about him, I did the other night. What surprised me most was not that he appeared in my dream, but my reaction to him when he did. In the dream, I was in a crowded elevator when I sensed someone familiar behind me and to my left. I turned and saw his face, or the face I remember when I saw him last.
What surprised me was how happy I was to see him, and how warmly I greeted him. There was no bad feeling, no recriminations, no expectations that things were going to instantly blow up between us.I make a note of this, because even a neutral feeling toward him is something I’ve wanted to feel, but have struggled with for years.
I took it as a sign that I was ready for something new in that relationship, and that made me happy.
Imagine my surprise then, when a day or two later I found myself in an imaginary argument with him, a stale, tired re-hash of all the disagreements we’ve ever had. It was such a contrast to the loving feeling I’d experienced toward him in the dream that it only took a minute for me to see what was going on.
I was having an argument with a ghost, one who didn’t exist, and had probably never existed.
The instant I saw this, I found myself laughing and crying at the same time, which for me, always signals a big emotional release.
And then something occurred to me that put everything in perspective. I realized if I can’t see my brother’s perfection, I can’t see him at all. Which means that I was never really able to see him. I think it’s probably safe to say the same is true for him. He’s never really seen me.
Whether there’ll ever be a resumption of our relationship I have no idea. The important thing for me is, if I ever run onto him in an elevator, or airport, or wherever it may happen to be, I’ll be ready to see the perfection that lives in him, and hope maybe he’ll be willing to see it in me.
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