How often do you hear someone say, when they’re trying to come to grips with a situation, “I’m working on accepting that?”
From what I can tell, there’s a good bit a confusion about the similarities and difference between acceptance, and surrender. The words are used interchangeably, but from what I’ve seen, they’re as different as night and day.
When you hear someone talk about acceptance, have you noticed how it tends to be in the present tense, as in, “I’m working on accepting…” But doing the work of acceptance seems to have no end to it. It’s always, “I’m working on accepting,” and never, “I’ve accepted…”
This is where the difference between acceptance and surrender becomes clear. Acceptance contains an element that’s absent from surrender. That element is a force that’s famous for slowing down whatever progress we’re trying to make. The element is resistance.
When we talk about accepting, it always takes on the tone of this is going to be a great deal of work, it’s going to take time, and it’s going to be a slog.
That’s understandable, because resistance always makes things harder than they need to be, or are.
Resistance is a form of confusion about what it is you really want. It’s trying to say, “yes” and “no” at the same time. It makes as much sense as wearing lead-soled shoes when you’re trying to improve your time running the quarter mile. So of course, when we’re unconsciously resisting some issue or question we’d like to move forward on toward a resolution, without knowing we’re doing it, we’re getting in our own way.
Contrast that to surrender, which is a complete and total letting go. The contrast is so strong, that it can act as a guide as to whether you’re trying to accept something, or whether you’ve let go and surrendered. (And that’s the only sequence in which surrender can appear, because once you let go, you simultaneously surrender.)
It’s the letting go that seems to be the obstacle, isn’t it?
When we aren’t completely willing to let go, it may be because it’s a very human trait to want something both ways. But how well can attempting to say “yes” and “no” at the same time ever work?
When you drive a car, what would happen if you tried to step on the brake and the gas at the same time? The two forces would cancel out one another, so you’d essentially be standing still.
Here’s something you might want to try next time you find yourself working to accept something, ask yourself these questions: Do I really want to move forward? Does it feel like I’m resisting something? Can I tell what it is I’m resisting? (Sometimes you can’t. Don’t worry about this; just knowing you’re resisting can be enough to get things moving in a forward direction.)
It can be difficult, if not impossible, to surrender if you don’t know you’re resisting. Once you know there’s something to let go of, finding just what that is can happen very quickly.
