Really Seeing One Another
When we encounter someone for the first time, what do we see? To know that, it’s helpful to understand what it is we’re looking for when we look at them.
I had an encounter recently that only lasted a fraction of a second. It’s stayed with me because in that brief moment, though we’d never met, the person I encountered recognized me, and I recognized him.
Somehow, he looked past the superficial differences between us. I saw it in his face as we looked at each other. And because I look for that kind of connection, I was wide open to him, and we had a moment of deep connection.
I live in a rural area with a population made up partly of people whose families have lived in the area for a long time, and partly of people, who like me, came from other places, mostly big cities. No matter how long anyone has lived here, if they weren’t born here, they’re seen as “not from here.”
In general, there’s a certain distance between the two self-identified groups. It’s not flat-out animosity. Both groups just regard people they don’t know from the other group as “different” or “not us.” And it’s common for both groups to have their armor up when they encounter someone from the other group.
When I go to the supermarket, one of the places where the groups regularly mingle, I can tell that I’m seen as an outsider by the locals. There’s no reason to take it personally, and I don’t. But I know the “oh, you’re from away” look, so when I see a look of actual recognition in the eyes of a local, it gets my attention.
Seeing someone at the supermarket
Here’s what happened: I went to the supermarket recently and ran into a man in the parking lot as I left my car. Because I recently had knee surgery, I was using trekking poles to stabilize me as I walked. I’m tall, and I stand up straight (my back likes to be in that position) which, I’ve been told, can give me a slightly military posture. I mention that because I think it factored into what happened.
Simply, the man I encountered probably thought I was a wounded vet. Rural areas always have big veteran populations, and the combination of the trekking poles and the old Carhartt jacket I was wearing may have been factors in what happened next. When he looked at me, he saw a human being, not a member of another group, not an “other.”
Just to be clear, I’m not a veteran, wounded or otherwise, and though I’ve lived here for twenty-five years, I’m not a local. But I’m quite conscious about staying wide open to people, regardless of what imaginary group they belong to. In other words, if someone is going to look at me like I’m somebody they might recognize, I want to make sure I’m not doing anything to push them away.
I’ve become much more interested in what I have in common with people than what I, or they, feel sets us apart. I love the spark that passes between people in that moment of recognition. There’s an acknowledgment that says, “here we are, two conscious beings, just going through our respective experiences of life.”
That feeling of commonality is delicious. When people have a taste of it, they tend to want more, which is no surprise. Connection is our natural state. Disconnection, which is more common and familiar has become normal, but it’s not natural. It’s a product of thinking.
It’s exactly this sort of thinking that leads us to believe we already know something real and useful about someone the instant we get our first glimpse of them. It’s as though we’re asking ourselves, “how should I categorize this person?”
What a great way to completely miss what (and who) is standing in front of you! I keep noticing that the quieter my mind is when I encounter someone, the more likely I am to see who’s really there.
When I’m not trying to fit a person into a pre-assigned category, I’m much more likely to have an experience of that person as a person, instead of as a caricature, a cartoon, or a one-dimensional being.
I can’t speak for you, but I suspect you gravitate to that feeling of connection just like I do. It’s easy to feel more of it, and now you know how: be ready to be surprised when you meet someone.
Don’t assume you know anything about them other than that they, exactly like you are, as Teilhard de Chardin said, “a spiritual being having a human experience.” The best part is, that’s all you need to know!
